


Goodbye

by sharedwithyou



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angstangstangst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Emotional Infidelity, F/M, FEELSFEELSFEELS, Heavy Angst, Porn Watching, Triggers, mostly angst, possible triggers, sorrynotsorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-22 00:34:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7411406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>WARNING: TRIGGERS OF POSSIBLE INFIDELITY<br/>other than that we're totally solid<br/>oh yeah also mentions porn. no actual porn though.</p><p>“When should I call you tomorrow?”<br/>“Probably your lunch break would be best.”<br/>“You’re lucky my morning, lunch and evening commute all manage to fall into your schedule.”<br/>“I like to think of myself as accommodating.”<br/>You laughed easily.</p><p>Everything was easy with him. The conversation, the truths;<br/>The weaknesses.<br/>Maybe because he knew you’d never tell; or perhaps it was half-lies to keep himself at a distance. In more ways than one.<br/>But at least part of it was real.<br/>And the rest, the distance?<br/>Sometimes it’s good to feel alone. Alone enough to be safe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: TRIGGERS FOR POSSIBLE INFIDELITY. AND PORN MENTIONS. IN CASE THE LATTER IS A THING.
> 
> this is sad.  
> it really hurts.
> 
> all i can say is read and cry
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Angstmaster

 

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

 

In the moment of static-y silence, you knew he was laughing.

 

“Seriously, though, you’re breaking up. I’m getting every other word. If that.”

“Maybe your arm is affecting the cell tower connection.”

“How does that make sense in any way whatsoever?”

“Hey, you’re the mysterious one. You tell me.”

 

You walked slowly through the windy streets, letting the weather push your dragging feet home.

 

“I have to go soon.”

“Same.”

“Off on another mission?”

“That’s classified.”

“You know, I think the whole man-of-few-words thing is a bit overplayed. And underwhelming. At least in the attractiveness department.”

“Considering how much you like to talk, I’d say it’s underwhelming in a lot of departments for you.”

“Still.”

You tipped your head back and felt your hair flip in the wind like you were a shampoo commercial. Except you probably looked more like a hot mess. You’d let yourself feel like a supermodel anyway, for the moment.

 

“Guess that’s why you’re going home to Steve, right?”

“Hmm?”

He rarely mentioned his best friend’s name; maybe because it hit too close to home, or maybe because he didn’t want to be close to your home. Either way, you brushed it aside.

“If small talk is a turn-on for you, you must be hot and heavy for him.”

You felt his chuckle through the phone as you guffawed along.

“He’s not exactly a chatterbox, Bucky.”

If he were a normal human being, he’d probably freak out at the casual use of his fugitive nickname.

Or at least, react at all.

But he continued with the conversation per use.

“I’m sure he provides less awkward silences than me, at the very least.”

 

You bit your lip, forcing yourself to continue your crawling speed even as the cold seeped through your coat.

 

“They’re not awkward to me.”

And so another of those many quiet moments passed, save for the possibly audible breathing this damned wind caused.

Then it dwindled when you let out an involuntary cough. You’d never clear your throat or any of that shit when you were on the line. No need, even when conversation veered towards the unnecessary. Otherwise known as the serious.

You were just comfortable with him.

 

“You should get inside.”

“Why?”

“You’re cold.”

“Was just one cough.” Your voice got softer, as it usually did when you neared the end.

“Well you must be outside the apartment by now.”

“How would you know?”

“There’s been plenty of time for you reach your destination; traffic withstanding.”

“You’re such a spy.” You looked away, suddenly, as if he were regarding you from across the stairs.

But he wasn’t angry.

 

“It’s my job.”

 

You nodded, not realizing he couldn’t hear it over the phone.

When he hummed lightly, though, you knew he was waiting for a response.

You had no wise words, though, so you simply asked what you always did.

 

“When should I call you tomorrow?”

“Probably your lunch break would be best.”

“You’re lucky my morning, lunch and evening commute all manage to fall into your schedule.”

“I like to think of myself as accommodating.”

You laughed easily.

 

Everything was easy with him. The conversation, the truths;

The weaknesses.

Maybe because he knew you’d never tell; or perhaps it was half-lies to keep himself at a distance. In more ways than one.

But at least part of it was real.

And the rest, the distance?

Sometimes it’s good to feel alone. Alone enough to be safe.

 

“How many hours ahead are you, anyway?”

“It’s-“

“Classified.” You finished for him, without a hint of bitterness. You had no right, after all.

There was a sigh; not unlike the ones he offered when you made a ‘cool’ pun or asked him ‘fun’ questions like his favorite color.

Still different enough, you guessed.

 

“11.”

“Hmm?”

“11 hours.”

“11 hours til…”

“11 hours ahead.”

You giggled at his exasperated tone; more so at the fact that he opened up even a little.

At the moment, it was enough.

 

“Okay, I’ll see you later then.”

“See…”

“Fine. Talk to. See, it sounds lamer that way.”

“It’s a normal expression.”

“Whatever.” Even his teasing was short and straight-forward. You blushed anyway.

“ Anyway, bye boo.”

“Boo…”

“It’s a term of endearment. I’ve only told you a thousand times.”

“Supposed to be for your man, though.”

“Nah. Steve’s my baby. No one else gets to be called baby. But, see, Nat’s my boo, Daisy’s my boo-“

“So I’m your girlfriend?”

You giggled once more, like you were in high school. “Just accept it Bucky.”

“Fine.”

“Yes!!”

“But only so you’ll stop using my name.”

“Fair enough.”

You stopped in the hallway and slid to the ground against the wall, getting cozy for the last words.

 

“I’ll call you tomorrow?”

“If you want.”

“If you don’t want to…” You weren’t sure if it sounded like flirting; really, you were just preparing yourself for the eventual goodbye. Permanent, of course.

“It’s fine.” He’d never say he wanted to, but that’s not what you were looking for anymore.

“Til’ then, then.”

You laughed once more at your little rhyme, knowing he’d stay on the line until you had your last word.

 

“La revedere.”

“Eh?”

You clapped your hands at his surprise. “Learned an exotic one this time!”

“Not exactly…”

“Shush. I know I’ll never guess which country you’re in; but since you know so many languages we can pretend I’ve finally gotten it right and move on.”

“So, you want your final answer to be Romania?”

“Well, it sounded pretty. On google translate.”

“…” You imagined he was rolling his eyes right now, and you were probably right.

“Guess it’s better than Spain.”

“Hey, don’t hate on Spain.”

“I don’t. Your accent was just terrible.”

“You’re mean.”

“Honest,” he corrected.

“Fine. Then, honestly, la revedere.”

 

You pulled the phone away from your ear, waiting for him to hang up first. So you could hold on for one more moment.

 

“It’s pa.”

“Huh?”

“La revedere is the formal way. Most people just say pa.”

“Ooh!” You clapped your hands again, nearly dropping your phone. “So did I guess right?!”

“Let’s say yes and move on.”

“Come on… you can tell me…” Your voice got whiney, and you half-hoped he would get annoyed and brush you off.

 

In a life where you were engaged to his best friend, who was using every ounce of energy to find him, you needed something to ease your guilt.

We could say it was just guilt for withholding information about your ‘boo,’

But we both know when you stayed in bed the mornings Steve left early, your baby voice that was ‘just for baby’ would come out when you dialed out.

 

“Bye (y/n).” He made it clear the conversation was over, but you still liked hearing him say your name.

“Okay. Pa pa boo.”

There was an audible sigh; you’d have to hold onto it until you walked to Taco Bell at lunch tomorrow.

“It’s just pa.”

“But pa pa sounds cute.”

“No it doesn’t.”

“I bet it would if you said it.”

“There’s no way I’m saying that.”

“Why not?!”

“Out of context, it seems like I’m suddenly talking to my dad.”

“Oh, so daddy issues?”

“Not really.”

“Then you’re not in Romania??”

 

“Bye.”

 

You felt your voice get urgent, like when Steve tried to pack his mask without you noticing, and you held his hand and told him to be safe.

“Please?”

 

This time the silence felt out of place, as you cursed yourself for being so needy, and for wanting him to give you as much of him as he could.

 

“Pa pa.”

 

You shrieked with delight as he cut off his own chuckle with a click.

 

Pa pa, Bucky.

 

 

“How was your day, baby?”

Steve smiled brightly at you and closed his laptop lid with a click. This time he remembered to take his headphones out before walking over to give you a kiss, thereby avoiding an embarrassing hilarious repeat of the close-lining from last week. And yesterday.

“Pretty good.” You pressed your lips against him as a test, but he pulled away after a quick peck.

“Want to order a pizza?”

“Nah. We got some yogurt in the fridge.”

Part of being honest was telling someone when they were gaining weight. Though how Bucky knew that without ever being in the same country (assumedly) as you was a wonder. Well, he was a spy after all.

“Don’t tell me you’re dieting.”

“Maybe just lazy,” you flirted, enjoying his blush nonetheless.

“You’re beautiful no matter what size you are, baby.”

You felt a harsh twinge in your chest; he was such a sweetheart. Was it fair to have someone else you confided in; someone else who’s laugh could make your day?

You never went far; never told Bucky anything along the lines of ‘if I weren’t with Steve’ or even complimented him beyond what was palpably yours at the time being; his voice.

Then why did your heart hurt?

 

“Something wrong, (y/n)?”

 

You looked up at the smiling blonde beauty before you, and felt the blood rushing through you.

“Nothing that you can’t fix.”

As you pushed him against the wall though, those dark eyes and liquid voice were still on your mind.

 

“Sorry, (y/n).”

“It’s fine.”

The phrase was echoed in the same tone you’d been hearing all week; more calm than detached.

“It’s not you-“

“It’s me.”

“No, I specifically said-“

“It’s a joke Stevie.”

He relaxed slightly and pulled you close against his not-quite-sweaty chest. “I find you beyond sexy. I just can’t…” he grasped at words, still unable to say orgasm one year into the engagement.

“Finish?”

“Yeah.” He colored deeply and ran his hand through his hair. “I’m sure it’s a temporary thing-“

“Yep. Just until you stop watching porn.”

“I-“ He gave you a wide-eyed look.

 

Sure, he had learned that earbuds hid the sound in case closing the laptop screen didn’t automatically mute the moans.

But even if he wasn’t incompetent in bed because of it, you’d know anyway.

Not because of the guilt on his face when he’d decline your advances either.

You knew him through and through.

Maybe better than he knew himself.

 

Probably better than he knew you.

 

“A lot of guys-“

“Struggle with it? I’m not condemning you, Steve. In fact I never told you to pick between beautiful models and me.”

“Well-“

“It’s just, if you’d rather be with them, then we have a problem.”

“I’d never!” He stared at you, horrified at the implication.

You shrugged and sat up, climbing to the edge of the bed.

 

“You know I’d never leave you, baby.”

“I know.”

“Then why’d you say that?”

“I mean; if you’d rather be fapping in front of the screen than in bed with your woman, then maybe you don’t need me.”

“I do need you!” He persisted, not sure whether he should explain why you were essential to his life or that you were much more appealing than cam girls first.

But you understood, just like you understood that tomorrow afternoon you’d drop by the library instead of getting fast-food, and curl up in one of the chairs to call him.

 

“Let’s not fight anymore, okay?”

Your fiancé cocked his head at you, wondering if you wanted to postpone the argument. You shook your head.

“I don’t mind you watching. Well, I do, but I’ll forget about it as long as you do it when I’m not here.”

He looked into his lap. “I’ll try to stop it completely.”

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

“But-“

“I know you’re a guy. I know you have…needs. Ugh. Or whatever. Just keep them in check.”

“Like drinking?” He offered, remembering your analogy from the last time you had a big fight about this. “A little to have fun, but never too much that it endangers our love life?”

“I wouldn’t say endangered-“

“Well, I take us very seriously.” He spoke very seriously too, which made you mad because you forgave him immediately.

“Fine. Then yes, like drinking.”

He held his arm out, asking permission to hug you. You nodded your head, and he pulled you close, squeezing you.

“And cocaine.”

 

As he laughed, you wondered if druggies felt as intoxicated as you did, hearing his best friend’s chuckle instead of his.

 

“He’s watching too much porn.”

“Ah.”

Your boo almost never said anything along the lines of Tee Em Ai, except for that one time when you mentioned your heavy flow. All men fear periods, you guessed.

“I don’t mind if he does, but I don’t want it to affect him.”

“Generally when a guy watches people having sex, he can’t help but be affected.”

“That’s not what I meant!!”

“In fact I’d hazard a guess that most people generally can’t help but be affected when watching-“

“I mean he can’t perform in bed!!” You interrupted loudly, before hiding behind a cushion from the dirty glares of college students cramming for midterms.

“You must have woken the entire library.”

“Not the entire- hey how’d you know I was in the library?!”

He let out a laugh and you felt shivers rise all the way to scalp.

“I suppose a spy never reveals his secrets.”

“Never.”

 

You burrowed into the armchair deeply, feeling a slight panic when you realized you’d run out of topics.

 

“So, what’s up?”

“Still classified.”

“Are you in the middle of a mission?”

“Would I pick up in the middle of a mission?” For once, a testiness was creeping in. You hugged your knees and continued.

“Shall we say pa pa then?”

“You can.”

“But you can’t?!” You wanted to stop yourself.

“Well, I wouldn’t say can’t.”

“Then?”

“I’m kind of staying incognito.”

“I’m sure you can manage.”

 

He sighed again, and you felt the weight of it this time, unable to shrug it off immediately. “You don’t know anything about being an agent, do you?”

 

“I know enough to keep your secret.”

 

In the silence, he was probably contemplating hanging up for good.

It was about time; you weren’t sure if your nerves could handle any more.

Or your heart.

 

In the end, you could hear in his voice that he planned on staying. Maybe he wasn’t ready to go either.

“I’ll give you credit for that one, then.”

 

“I’ll talk to you soon then, boo.”

“Yeah.”

“Same time tomorrow?”

“Earlier.”

“How much?”

He thought for a moment. “9 AM your time.”

Half an hour after Steve left.

“Okay. Pa pa then.”

“Mhm.”

You decided to try your luck then; go hard or go home right?

You didn’t want to think about home right now.

 

“Say pa pa, Bucky.”

“Nah.” It was sweeter than his usual refusal.

“Please?” This always worked on Steve; but Steve wasn’t him.

“Nope.”

“I don’t wanna go back to work if you don’t say it…”

“Then I guess you’ll miss work.”

“Come on, boo. It’s so easy for you.”

“And?”

“If it’s so easy for you to give me what I want, why won’t you?!”

 

He chuckled, and despite everything you wished you could record it and listen to it over and over.

“We don’t always get what we want.”

 

He probably didn’t mean for it to hit you the way it did; but it stung and that was enough.

You’d forgotten he wasn’t yours.

He wasn’t anybody’s.

“Guess so.”

“Mhm.”

 

“So pa pa then.”

“Pa.”

 

And he left you half-succeeded, mostly-guilty, and all-yearning.

 

“I’ll stop watching porn if you stop doing phone sex.”

You paused from taking your scarf off to stare at your baby incredulously.

“Excuse me?”

He shook his head at his inability to communicate and tried again. “I know you’ve been on the phone a lot.”

“It’s part of my job, yes.”

He folded his arms and scrutinized you. You wondered what he saw.

“I know it’s not work-related.” He let out a deep breath, and the knots in your stomach wound themselves once more.

 

“It’s personal.”

 

“That’s what I was afraid of.” The despondence showed on his face, and you dropped your purse and ran to him.

“It’s not what you think, Steve.”

“When I said phone sex would be fun for you, it was because I was too afraid to say no.”

“I-“

“And I know you have every right to do it; especially since you’ve been really open about me and my… addiction.”

“I wouldn’t say addiction-“

“But it’s the same number every time. And the operator says it’s the same guy too.”

You would’ve busted a gut at Bucky’s way of keeping his information secure if Steve’s face wasn’t ripping you apart.

Well, you were feeling ripped apart. Steve would never vilify you like that.

“And I know you don’t really like sexy talk. Which means you’re actually talking to him.”

“Steve-“

“Like, really talking.” He held you loosely, too sad to pull you close. “And you used to love talking to me.”

 

You looked away, wondering how you could explain this tangled mess to him.

About his best friend, about perceived betrayal;

 

Was this emotional infidelity?

 

And if so, would it make you stop?

 

 

“Mrs. Fields heard you in the hall yesterday. She thought you were talking to me. Yelled at me for having to be ‘vomit-inducing-ly romantic’ when we could have had the conversation inside.”

 

You rolled your eyes in spite of the weighty situation; she’d been a pain ever since she became convinced you ran over her cat.

You didn’t even have a car.

And it wasn’t your fault the bus came early when it went out to pee.

And that you were more preoccupied with checking your phone than pulling it out of the street.

What kind of cat pees outside anyway?!

 

“I thought that voice was for me.”

You looked into his eyes now, searching for an answer you didn’t have.

 

Did you love Bucky?

You weren’t even sure; but you knew you could never love him as much as you loved Steve.

It wasn’t really possible to fall in love with someone in a week; someone who you never saw in person at that; was it?

 

 

All you knew was that you’d never leave Steve.

 

 

No matter what you had to give up.

 

“I won’t talk to him anymore.”

“And I won’t watch porn anymore.”

“I’m not asking that of you.”

“Well I’ll do my best anyway.”

 

Had he been doing that already, there’d be no reason to say it.

But even if you could compare pornography to whatever it was you had with him, you’d be the bigger woman anyway.

 

“Just let me say goodbye.”

 

 

In the bed you shared, with the door closed firmly shut, you dialed.

You weren’t sure if you could leave a message; he’d picked up every time before.

 

“It’s late.”

“Yeah.”

“Everything okay?”

You couldn’t breathe when you heard the concern in his voice.

Maybe this had meant something to even him.

You could only hope; it was all you’d have left of the two of you.

“I’m-“ You breathed deeply to cover your hiccups.

“Yeah?”

“I just…” You trailed off, grasping for the words you weren’t to say. If there had ever been a ready.

“Go on.” He was patient as always, never in a hurry to leave you.

 

A tear trickled out of your eye, and you bit your cheek hard so you wouldn’t let out a sniveling whimper.

You just couldn’t help yourself.

“I have to cry, boo.”

 

You wanted so bad to use his name, as you felt an uncomfortable silence permeate the distance of 11 hours and a broken relationship.

 

“Is there anything I can do?”

 

“Can you stay on the line?” You wondered what it felt like to hear that; after you’d told him everything that was on your mind for the last 7 days, told him story after story about stupid crushes and high school bullies, about worrying someday his best friend would walk out the door and never come back.

“I could, but I’d get upset.”

 

And here you thought nothing would ever phase the Winter Soldier.

 

You wanted to take a fiver and gather yourself up, make a bright and cheerful goodbye so he’d remember you as a little sunshine in his otherwise dark and shadowed life.

But you didn’t think you could take another radio silence before the final one came.

 

So you let your stupid throat quiver as you spoke once more.

 

“I can’t talk to you anymore.”

“It’s not you, it’s me?” You’d like to think there was a bittersweetness in his voice; but you guessed you’d never know.

“Don’t be like that.” You let your voice go full-whiney; it’d be the last time after all.

“Okay.”

 

You squeezed your eyes shut, savoring that smooth voice.

 

“Guess it’s pa pa then.”

“Pa pa.”

It was effortless, as if it didn’t matter; or as if he’d wanted to make you smile all along.

You tugged at your hair, forcing yourself to hold the sobs in.

 

“Say it again.”

There was his laugh, and this time it didn’t matter if it was carefree or if he really cared.

 

“Pa pa.”

 

You let your headphones drop, holding the mic with your lips as you felt Steve leaning against the door, not so much eavesdropping as knowing somehow you were hurting and wanting to comfort you.

 

So you curled up on your side of the bed, the way you loved to when Steve rubbed your back to help you sleep, the way you’d miss prying your eyes open to say good morning to Bucky across the ocean.

And he’d tell you to go back to sleep, because he knew you just wanted to hear his voice once more.

 

“Goodbye, boo.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> WAHHHHHHH
> 
> LEAVE A COMMENT THANKYOU
> 
> Random ramblings:
> 
> Poll 1: WHOOOO and whyyyy please leave a paragraph with complete sentences and grammar. just kidding.
> 
> I have no other random ramblings i will go cry in a corner now thank you and you're welcome.
> 
> til next time lovelies!! leave me a shout-out below
> 
> XOXO Crying Bucky
> 
> p.s. la revere and pa are romanian. i picked it because sebastian stan is romanian. so he must sound cute saying it.


End file.
